What is Mine?
The world, as we all know, is vast and complex. It is full of wonders and terrors alike. There are wars being waged on multiple fronts and geopolitics that are increasingly concerning, but at the same time art is being created and couples are going on first dates and falling in love over scones and cappuccinos. It’s confusing at times how so much good can be nestled into so much terror and unrest. Exhaustingly, even. Speaking for myself, it’s been hard at times to balance staying informed with staying motivated to keep going day after day. It’s easy to hold too much, especially things that are not mine to hold.
Within Existential Analysis, a framework developed by Frankl and expanded by Längle, the framework which I use for my own practice: boundaries are a requirement of existence. Since people are not solely psychological systems and are relational beings (with oneself, others, and the world), boundaries provide the structure for one to live authentically. Without boundaries, a person cannot encounter reality clearly, relationships lose authenticity, and personal freedoms become compromised. Without boundaries, there is no separation or delineation between what is me and what is not-me. We would all be cosmic goop!
Boundaries emerge naturally and protect the fundamental elements of personhood. They provide physical safety and personal space, they provide relational and emotional closeness through openness and curiosity, they provide a sense of personal identity and a protection of what is my own, and they provide protection of personal values and individual decision-making. Boundaries allow for us to engage with the world, and all it has to offer, without losing ourselves in the process. They allow us to be in relationships with others in ways that allow for both you and the other to be as you each are without fear of the other. Boundaries allow for both connection and separation.
But, what happens when these boundaries are weak or violated? This can manifest in multiple ways such as in people-pleasing behaviors, difficulties in saying no, over-adapting and chameleon-like behaviors, and even complete loss of self in extreme cases. Existentially, the fear of rejection or the loss of belonging can drive a person toward an abandonment of self in that they allow for porous boundaries. Conversely, overly rigid boundaries also pose the threat of emotional isolation, avoidance, and excessive self-protective behaviors. This is oftentimes grounded in the fear or vulnerability or being hurt.
Seemingly paradoxically, there comes freedom when we have strong boundaries that are maintained. Without knowing who we are, where we stand, and what our motivations are, one cannot choose authentically. Choice, without boundaries, becomes reactionary. Boundaries help in creating the space for decisions to occur, the ground for personal responsibility, and the possibility of authentic action and decision making.
Boundaries do not destroy closeness. They make real closeness possible by clarifying what is and is not mine. Without boundaries, fusion and enmeshment - lack of authenticity - can take place. With boundaries we can truly encounter the other, to see them as they are and in their own purity. Healthy boundaries allow a person to say no without guilt, feel and experience without being overwhelmed, be alone without feeling isolation, and be connected to others without the loss of self.
All boundaries are existential as they all relate to your own being. These boundaries are the lived expression of a person’s capacity to preserve their existence, protect and anchor their identity, and enter relationships freely and responsibly.
In a world that asks us to hold so much: suffering, the expectations of others, endless information, the question of “what is mine” becomes essential. Not everything is. And it was never meant to be. Boundaries allow us to fully carry what is ours and to release what is not. They allow us to remain open to the world without dissolving into it. They allow us to exist as ourselves, and that is beautiful.
February 23, 2026